so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
What drink are we having for lunch?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.