just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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