I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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