Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
its liver damage thursday
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
