I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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