dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
