My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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