my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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