My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
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