I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
