nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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