I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
