Just cropdusted the office
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
