Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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