chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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