I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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