I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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