So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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