Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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