I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.