I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed