If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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