Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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