wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I need moral support for this bender
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
