Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
