How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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