Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
