I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
