Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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