the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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