I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
