I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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