Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
