she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
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we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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