you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
