Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
