we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
