forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
