I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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