My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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