My first STD was from a foam party
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
