I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
