So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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