I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Randomize
