I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
