He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
