Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
