Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
