Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
