I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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