i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My vagina just clenched in fear
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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