It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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