I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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