Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
BRING THE BAGELS
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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