You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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