# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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