It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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