You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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